Assertiveness

The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.

                                                                                                                                         -Anthony Robins

• Introduction
• Four different life styles
• Assertive vs. passive behavior
• Assertive Rights
• Benefits of being assertive
• Learning to be more assertive

Introduction

Decision making and decision taking in most of the cases is tedious .

Nature of decisions, whether they are taken on spot or after careful analysis of the situation , reflects one personality and psychological and mental make – up of the individual.

According to behavioural sciences the four different life styles identified are:

1. I’m OK – You’re OK                  (Assertive)
2. I’m OK – you’re not OK            (Aggressive)
3. I’m not OK – You’re OK            (Passive)
4. I’m not OK – You’re not OK       (Manipulative)

The best and most positive of these is the assertive stance.

Assertive vs. passive behavior

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. You may routinely say things such as "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs.

Example

Consider this example: You say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project, even though you're already busy. The extra work means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Your intention may be to keep the peace. But always saying yes can poison your relationships. And worse, it may cause you internal conflict because your needs and those of your family always come second.

The internal conflict that can be created by passive behavior can lead to:

• Stress
• Resentment
• Seething anger
• Feelings of victimization
• Desire to exact revenge

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training.

• Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive way.
• Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.

Assertive Person:- A person is considered assertive when he is able to affirm or deny positively, safely, simply and forcefully but respecting the ideas and rights of others, without actually offending them.

Assertive Rights

The rights which an individual possesses can be classified as:

1. Fundamental rights
2. Assertive Rights

While Fundamental rights are granted by law  Assertive rights are independent of the bondage and peculiar to the individual who observes them.

Assertive rights give a person a feeling of being in control of the self and the situation.

Assertive Rights

Basic human rights                                          Reflection

1. Self respect                                         Confidence
2. Respect for others                           Reciprocal behaviours
3. High self esteem                              Positive attitude
4. Freedom to express                        Need for recognition

                (a) thoughts

                (b) opinion

                (c) feelings         

1. Right to make mistake                   Accept responsibility
2. Change your idea and                     Individualistic approach
   opinion without

       offering explanation              

1. Right to say ‘yes’                                              Eager and willing to accept
2. Right to say ‘No’                                               Unwilling to accept idea which doesn’t match
3. Right to say “ I don’t know”                         Certainty
4. Right to say” I don’t understand”                              Assured of one’s potential                           

The benefits of being assertive

Assertiveness offers many benefits.

It helps you keep people from taking advantage of you.

It can also help you from acting like a bully to others.

• Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
• Understand and recognize your feelings
• Earn respect from others
• Improve communication
• Create win-win situations
• Improve your decision-making skills
• Create honest relationships
• Gain more job satisfaction
• Learning to be more assertive can also help you effectively express your feelings when communicating with others about issues.

Learning to be more assertive

People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. Your style may be so ingrained that you're not even aware of what it is. People tend to stick to the same communication style over time. But if you want to change your communication style, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more effective ways.

Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:

• Assess your style.

Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.

• Use 'I' statements.

Using "I" statements lets others know what you're thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." If you have a request, say, "I would like you to help with this" rather than, "You need to do this." Keep your requests simple and specific.

• Practice saying no. 

If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Don't hesitate — be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.

• Rehearse what you want to say.

If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice general scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and ask for clear feedback.

• Use body language

Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit.

Make regular eye contact.

Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't cross your arms or legs.

• Keep emotions in check .

Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.

• Start small

At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.